Inside the mind of a seminary wife

I’ve got one foot here. Another is dragging behind me, wishing we could go back – to where, I can’t even say. And if I had a third foot, it’d be a few steps ahead, trying to decipher the foggy path that lies ahead.

So I am looking around me, remembering that I am supposed to be making the best of my moments right now. But I don’t feel like doing anything but crying. Because leaving hurts. And I have recently found myself doing a lot of leaving.

I guess I’ll just keep my distance then. A subtle, little wall is the safest way I can navigate the next inevitable transition. I’ll tell them my name and where all the fun places to visit are. I’ll tell them what I do for a living and the ages of my kids, but that should be about it. Even though she may be interesting, and she seems like someone I could get along with. And she might even turn into a rare soul mate, if I’m not careful.

But then again, shouldn’t I make the best of it? Who knows where a relationship can lead? I’m gonna smile and introduce myself. No. That’s enough, I should go back inside soon.

Being back inside definitely feels safer. However, my loneliness is here inside too and I am feeling that horrible feeling of being UNKNOWN. What a dreadful existence being unknown is. That can’t be right either. Aren’t we meant to know and be known by others?

Of course, I could just stick to the plan and eventually focus on being known when I get to the place I am going. That way, I’ll save myself the heartache of loving and losing all over again. I’ll be less sad this next time for sure.

I was so sad when I first came here three years ago. I had left everything. Not my choice. Not my career. Definitely not my idea. It took a long time to get over that. But I’ll admit, regardless, I have made some great friendships.

But what’s the point? We can’t stay. And we can’t all go to the same place. In just a few months, we’ll be pulled apart. Sent in a million different directions. And I will be sad and unknown all over again. It’s not worth it. It’s not. I won’t, I can’t subject myself to that again. I just feel tired.

blinds-lonelyBut even as I hide behind these shades, safe inside, I can see another woman out there. And her face. Wow, I know that look. That’s me. That’s me three years ago. I can’t stay in here. Not with her like that, out there. That’s not right. Not when she needs someone who understands. Someone like me.

Take a deep breath. This will be hard. I can already see myself saying goodbye. Eventually. But not yet. Not today. Today I’ll just say hello. Not because it’s the safest thing to do. Not because it won’t hurt when we have to say goodbye. No I think I will go back out there because she needs me. And I am sure, if I am really honest with myself, I need her too.

2 Comments

Filed under Miscellaneous thoughts

2 responses to “Inside the mind of a seminary wife

  1. Amy Zeigler

    You say goodbye, and I say hello, hello, hello…. The Beatles
    I’m glad you said hello;)

    Beloved, let us love one another. 1John 4:7,8

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