How to get rid of dog hair and dander in just 38 easy steps…

  1. Vacuum all carpeted areas.
  2. Vacuum again; make sure to use the attachments this time.
  3. Purchase heated wet vac, especially designed for pet-owners, along with anti-allergen carpet cleaner. (Be sure to use 30% off coupon.)
  4. Put on a pair of clean Chacos (for foot grip).
  5. Follow operating instructions of wet vac and proceed confidently.
  6. After a few moments, realize the carpet of your new home may not have ever been cleaned. Ever.
  7. Lose confidence.
  8. Persevere.
  9. Observe soapy, dog-hair balls being discharged from the rear of vacuum.
  10. Begin, with horror, to collect hairballs in a used grocery bag hanging on the closet door. (This will come in handy later when proving to the landlord that your townhome was indeed filthy.)
  11. Empty dirty water from reservoir tank. Stand over the bathtub in shock.
  12. Repeat steps 5-11 for the next three hours.
  13. Call your mother to cry and ask how many rounds of carpet cleaning she thinks it will take to clean the carpet.
  14. Take a break.
  15. Schedule duct cleaners.
  16. Once duct cleaners have cleaned-out ductwork (usually takes about 6 hours) and removed the live bird’s nest from inside the fireplace (that’s not usually in their job description), begin steam cleaning again.
  17. Proceed with steps 5-11 until all carpet areas have been cleaned a total of 5X (approximately 12 hours).
  18. Place fans everywhere and turn them on full blast.
  19. While carpet dries, dry vacuum rest of house.
  20. Mop rest of house.
  21. Wet Swiffer all walls.
  22. Take a break.
  23. Notice after 24 hours that the house smells like a huge, wet dog.
  24. Don’t lose hope.
  25. Have your allergic husband stick his face in the carpet and breathe-in deeply (standard allergic reaction test). Stand-by with Benadryl and Epi-pen.
  26. Wait.
  27. When husband exhibits no allergic reactions, breathe a sigh of relief and purchase a huge box of baking soda.
  28. Generously sprinkle baking soda throughout the carpeted area.
  29. Wait.
  30. Vacuum baking soda up.
  31. Take a break.
  32. Repeat steps 23 and 24.
  33. Up the ante. Purchase a huge box of scented, carpet odor eliminator baking soda with Oxiclean dirt fighters. (Promises long-lasting freshness.)
  34. Vow to never get a dog and to never rent from a pet-friendly housing association again.
  35. Repeat steps 28-31.
  36. Settle for a house that now smells like a slightly smaller wet dog because the moving truck is here.
  37. Reward yourself with $6 Sushi Wednesday at the local grocery store and a cup of Caribou coffee from one of two coffee shop options within walking distance.
  38. Meet new neighbors and their amazing, frisbee-fetching Chihuahua, Paco. Reconsider step 34.




Filed under Homelife

10 responses to “How to get rid of dog hair and dander in just 38 easy steps…

  1. Ginny

    Oh, what an ordeal. You are much more tenacious than I would have been! That is why we never had a dog in the house, much to my boys’ dismay.

  2. Michael Zeigler

    Thanks for sharing this. We are at camp this week and Titus asked me why God made bad creatures like mosquitoes. I said, “Ever since we sinned, God has made the world to sometimes work against us to help us die and be raised again to be like Jesus. And still, He fills His world with so many good things.” It might not have been your point at all, but I think your recap illustrates this tragically and beautifully. That was my theological comment. Amy’s comment: how could a man with so many allergies not realize the house he chose for his family was covered in dog hair? Ps., we love you Toby.

  3. Debbie

    If and when you move consider a home with hardwood, laminate or tile. All of those are of course more expensive than carpet!!! We went through all of above when we moved into the parsonage as Luke and I are both allergic to dogs and cats. And yet …we still got a dog! In fact we’ve had 4 dogs. What is that quote….”Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

  4. Just reading this was exhausting. I can’t imagine how exhausted you are! But happy to hear that you are settling in.

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